Enough is Enough

What a roller coaster my life is. One day I'm doing pretty well, moving on with my life. Then the next day I get knocked back down and I'm struggling again. Ever since I removed Jeff from my list of friends on Facebook and Foursquare I've done so much better. I just couldn't handle seeing everything he did and knowing where he was all the time. The first time I saw a check-in with a comment about another girl being there my heart sank. That was the final nail in the coffin for me. So I removed him and I was doing really well. I've been talking to other guys and even hanging out with some :] But then this weekend happened...
I went to church on Sunday not prepared for what was about to happen. I walked into the sanctuary late and saw that Jeff was already sitting down...with a new girl next to him. I knew right away that she was his new girlfriend. I started shaking and hyperventilating as I walked to my seat three rows in front of them. A million thoughts ran through my head. "Did they see me? Does she know who I am. Did he tell her about what happened at all?" Unfortunately, I didn't hear a word our pastor said because I was so distracted. As soon as service was over I made a beeline for the door. I didn't want to see them. But wouldn't you know it? Jeff, Brian, and this girl all walked out of their pew right in front of me. (I think it was on purpose, Jeff never goes out that exit) She linked her arm in his and I felt a physical pain go through my chest. I walked quickly ahead of them and jumped in my car so he couldn't see me crying. Needless to say, I will not be going back to that service. I'll be going to the service just before so I don't ever have to see him and her together, or him alone, ever again.
That in and of itself sucked. Then on Christmas Day, I was thumbing through some of my mom's pictures on Facebook. I accidentally found pictures of Jeff and I from last Thanksgiving and, again, I broke down. Honestly, it ruined my evening. I had to text a few friends to help me through. Thank goodness I have such wonderful friends in my life who are willing to encourage me when I'm struggling.
I'm going to a wedding on Saturday and I'm nervous how I'm going to react. I made sure to invite a friend for support, but I still think I'm going to be extremely emotional most of the day, not because I want Jeff but because I want the love I thought we had. I want that love with someone who deserves it, with someone who is worth it, with someone who isn't a coward. I've finally gotten to the point where I can truly see that Jeff isn't worth it because I deserve someone who WANTS to marry me. It shouldn't have been so easy for him to throw our relationship away. The fact he tossed me aside inside of a month after 3 1/2 years proves that his love wasn't real. I deserve someone who is going to stick with me through thick and thin, someone I don't have to convince to stay with me. Until then, God is more than enough for me.