I'm A Working Girl Now!

I had an interview yesterday at a preschool called Abacus Early Learning Center. After a ton of anxiety and a long wait time, I got the job. It's a full time teaching position with kids who are about four years old. There are younger children in the building that I will probably be helping out with occassionally, but overall, I'm going to have my own classroom!!!! I've always loved the older children so I never imagined that I'd go the complete opposite direction and teach preschool kids. However, it's a full time job in my field right out of college. It doesn't pay as much as I'd prefer, but it's still a paycheck; AND I don't have any bills yet so even what it does pay is more than enough for me to live off of. Now I just have to get into the habit of putting at least 5% of each check into savings and not going on shopping sprees, ha-ha. I'm just so excited to have a real adult job and be able to be a real person who can pay for things again. No one likes being a broke college kid :] This summer is going to bring a lot of changes and I'm looking forward to starting down that road.

Look at Me

I would bet my life like I bet my heart,
That you were the one baby.
I've never been so sure of anything before.
You're driving my heart crazy.

I can't hold out.
I can't hold back now,
Like i've done before.

Darling look at me,
I've fallen like a fool for you.
Darling can't you see,
I'd do anything you want me to.
I tell myself I'm in too deep,
Then I fall a little farther,
Every time you look at me.

How do you do that, babe?
Make me feel like I'm the only girl alive for you.
Don't know what it is that makes me fall like this.
First time in your arms I knew,
The way you held me,
I knew that this could be,
What I've been waiting to find.

A Hodge Podge of Applicable Lyrics

So many nights I've prayed for you to say...
"I should have been chasing you.
I should have been trying to prove,
That you were all that mattered to me."
I should have said all the things,
That I kept inside of me,
And maybe I could have made you believe,
That what we had, was all we'd ever need."

I wanted...I wanted you to stay.
I needed...I need to hear you say...
"I love you, I've loved you all along.
And I'm sorry for being away for far too long.
So keep breathing cause I'm not leaving you anymore.
Believe it. Hold onto me, never let me go."

There were nights when the wind was so cold,
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window.
There were days when the sun was so cruel,
That all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever.
And I banished very memory you and I had ever made...
But when you touch me like this,
And you hold me like that.
I just have to admit,
That it's all coming back to me.
When I touch you like this,
And I hold you like that,
It's so hard to believe but,
It's all coming back to me.
If I kiss you like this,
And if you whisper like that,
It was lost long ago,
But it's all coming back to me.
If you want me like this,
And if you need me like that,
It was dead long ago,
But it's all coming back to me.
It's so hard to resist,
And it's all coming back to me.
I can barely recall,
But it's all coming back to me now.
There were hours that just went on for days.
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances that were lost to us forever.
But you were history with the slamming of the door.
And I tried to make myself so strong again somehow.
If you forgive me all this,
If I forgive you all that,
We forgive and forget,
And it's all coming back to me.

God is an Excellent Pitcher

I was completely content with my life, who was in it, and where I was going. In fact, it was everything I've always wanted and I couldn't believe God's plans and mine lined up so perfectly. Then it happened...One day everything fell apart and I didn't know what to do. The shattered remnants of my life surrounded me and I had no idea where to go next. I clung onto what truth I had, and pushed my way through the muck. I finally got myself through the worst of it. I still had days when I ran into sadness, but I persevered. I started making plans for this new path I was on, my plan B. I felt really pulled to teach overseas and leave everything I knew behind. Lately I haven't felt that same pull on my heart. Do you think it's possible God calls us to do something simply to see if we will be obedient; not to actually have us do it? I think He may have done that for me. I finally gave in to God and said "Okay, I'll go. Where do you want me?". Now I feel like God is saying "Don't worry, I'm not really calling you to that life. I just wanted to make sure you'd follow me if I called."
Then out of nowhere, God threw me another curve ball! I will say I'm thoroughly impressed on God's part and I'm very pleased with where I think this is going. I want so bad to be really really happy, but that's still a little premature. I have so many questions and so many thoughts running through my head. I'm hopeful, but moving forward with caution. I hate being scared with things like this, especially with people I love so much. If I trust them, shouldn't I have no fear? If the fear is there, do I really trust them still? I mean, some trust was definitely lost, but enough to bring in fear? Perhaps. At this point I'm just sitting back and letting things happen as they will. It's not my turn to make my move, so I will patiently wait until my time comes. In the mean time, I'm just trying to keep my emotions in check. I have a tendency to get ahead of myself and let my emotions take over. I can't do that this time. I have to keep my head clear and my heart focused. I'm not the type of girl who keeps making the same mistakes. Luckily, I never thought you were a mistake. For the record...I forgive you.

You broke my heart. You walked away, even when I turned back and asked if you were really sure this is what had to be done. I would do anything in the world to make you happy. If that includes not having me in your life then I’ll sit on the sidelines and watch as you take the world by storm. I can’t do anything, not even breathe, without thinking of you and your absence. But, just so you know, I forgive you for every hurt you’ve caused during this time; because I love you. I want you to be happy with all my heart. If you ever decide that you can be happy with me again then I’ll be right here waiting for you. Exactly where you last saw me.

If You See Him...

If you see him, tell him I wish him well.
How am I doing?
Well sometimes it's hard to tell.
I still miss him more than ever,
but please don't say a word.
If you see Him.

If you see her, tell her I'm doing fine.
And if you want to,
say that I think of her from time to time.
Ask her if she ever wonders,
where we both went wrong.
If you see her.

Oh, I still want her.

And I still need him so.

Well I don't know why we let each other go.

If you see her,
tell her the light's still on for her.

Nothing's changed
deep down the fire still burns for him.

And even if it takes forever,
say I'll still be here.

If you see him.

If you see her.

Last Kiss

I still remember the look on your face,
Lit through the darkness at 1:58.
The words that you whispered for just us to know.
You told me you loved me so why did you go away?

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.
All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss.
I never thought we'd have a last kiss.
Never imagined we'd end like this.
Your name, forever the name on my lips.

I do remember the swing of your step,
The life of the party, you're showing off again.
And I roll my eyes and then you pull me in.
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did.

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father.
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets.
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something.
There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions.

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep.
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are.
Hope it's nice where you are.

And I hope the sun shines,
And it's a beautiful day.
And something reminds you,
You wish you had stayed.
You can plan for a change in weather and time,
But I never planned on you changing your mind.

Maybe It's Me and My Blind Optimism to Blame

Still Not Over You

Whats up?
I know we haven't spoken for a while,
But I was thinkin bout you,
And it kinda made me smile.
So many things to say,
And I'll put em in a letter.
Thought it might be easier,
The words might come out better.
How's your mother, how's your little brother?
Does he still look just like you?
So many things I wanna know the answers to.
Wish I could press rewind,
And rewrite every line,
To the story of me and you.

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried,
To get you out of my mind.
But it doesn't get any better,
As each day goes by.
And I'm lost and confused.
I've got nothin to lose.
Hope to hear from you soon!
P.S. I'm still not over you.

Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on.
But there's a lot of feelings that still remain since you've been gone.
I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me.
But it seems there's always somethin right there to remind me,
Like a silly joke, or somethin on the t.v.
Boy it aint easy.
When I hear our song,
I get that same old feeling.
Wish I could press rewind,
Turn back the hands of time,
And I shouldn't be telling you...

Did you know I kept all of your pictures?
Don't have the strength to part with them yet.
Tried to erase the way your kisses taste,
But some things a girl can never forget.

Everytime I Hear Your Name

And when the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a "you were the only one for me" kinda thought.
And your face is all that I see.
I know I can't go back but I still go back.
But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May,
And I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
And nothin's changed,
And we're still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips:
And that's all it takes,
And I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

3 Days and Counting

Spring break starts this Friday. Oh my goodness it just can't come soone enough. We haven't had a break in a month and a half and I'm overdue for one. School has been super busy lately. None of what I'm doing is hard, it's just very time consuming. All I know is I'm so excited to go home and rest for a week and a half. I went on trip for spring break the last two years, so I'm okay with just going home. Plus, I've got a ton of stuff planned. I know for sure I'm having lunch with Kelly Fields and I'm in the process of planning a trip up to Purdue with Kelly to see Danielle. I haven't seen her since I was wedding dress shopping... :/ I can't even remember the last time I was at Purdue. My goal is to have something to do almost every day I'm home. I think and hope it will be a good time. I guess I'll find out.

I'm On My Toes from Morning to Night

Busy busy week going on. I've got tons of homework carefully scheduled every night of the week. I've also go my first test in Contemporary Christian Belief on Wednesday. It's a difficult class, but I'm hanging in there. It's significantly better than Historic or Biblical Literature 1&2. The good news it it's multiple choice, so that should help.
I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but that's another story.
Thursday a large group of us are driving to Detroit to see this woman named Andrea Gibson. She's an intense poet that one of my roomates adores! She wanted to go on a roadtrip to see her, and who am I to turn down a roadtrip? It'll be a long day but I'm stoked!!
Friday I have a presentation in my computers class. It's not really that big of a deal, but group projects always make me nervous.
I'm hoping to go to Purdue this weekend to visit another friend, but we'll see if that happens. If not, Brad is coming to visit for two weeks, so he'll be around if nothing else!
I think at this point I'm just trying to take this week one day at a time and stick to my schedule. I should make it through unscathed. Every so often everything in my life condenses into a few hectic days. Sucks, but oh well. That means next week should be a breeze! Hopefully :]

Testing the Water v.s. Jumping Right In

I've been trying to decide if I should go and teach overseas this next schoool year. I kind of feel like God has been pressing this on my heart/preparing me for a long time. This idea has come up on multiple occassions since high school. I'm still not convinced that's where God wants me, but I think it's possible. But most schools require you to sign a two-year contract. I'm not sure I want to commit to something that big when I basically have no international experience. It would be very hard for me to be away from my family for two years.
I talked to Erin Kohl last night about it and she gave me some really great insight into the process of making this decision. I think what I would like to do is find a place overseas where I can spend the summer, or maybe just a few weeks. Either way, the point is to find a place where I can "test the water" and see how I do. I think that would probably be more effective anyways. I wouldn't be a very good teacher if I was so distracted by homesickness.
I'll be looking into some options next week, please let me know if you have any ideas for me!

"Turn It Up." No, More Like "Turn It Down."

Kim Kardashian finally came out with her own song. I'm not at all surprised. I mean, if every other "pretty face" in hollywood can get a record deal, I'm more surprised she hasn't done this sooner. However...her song is awful. It's been said "the heavily flanged Kardashian sounds barely engaged with her own song." Her song has also beed described as "laughably bad and nearly unlistenable." My favorite description of the song goes like this: "What really kills the song are the horrid vocals. Kim coos through the song lifelessly singing about taking shots and dancing the night away at her favorite spot. Is this club filled with zombies? They're the only creatures she's courting with that monotonous tone."

Basically, the entire song is an atrocious, auto-tuned, flop. The lyrics don't even make sense. "I'm going out tonight like I'm paying my bills." What does that mean??? Take a listen for yourself, do you like the song?

For Good

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led,
To those who help us most to grow,
If we let them,
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true,
But I know I'm who I am today,
Because I knew you...

It well may be,
That we will never meet again,
In this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me,
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me,
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine,
By being my friend...

I Love Animal Videos

Oh my goodness this is soooo funny!!! I was cracking up when I saw it. Hilarious.

Where Fear and Faith Collide

Well all of my options have run dry, oh well. I've decided I need to focus on my relationship with god. He's been trying to teach me so much recently, I love it. I think it's mostly about me trying to let go of the control I have over my life. I don't know where I'm going next but that's the exciting part. I have no clue where I'll end up. I really want to pursue teaching overseas. It's always been something I want to do, but I've always been too scared or found some excusse to not do it. I kinda feel like God is calling me to do this. It would make sense. I mean, I've always felt pulled towards international missions. Who knows, maybe I meet my husband overseas. Erin Kohl did that, and I"m basically living her life a few years behind her anyways, hah. I'm really trying to live by faith and not by my own sight. I'm trying to fix my gaze on God. I'm in the word regularly and praying often. I'm having a ton of deep conversations with people, which led to really great insights. I had no idea how deep some of my friends are. This whole experience shook me alot and caused me to really ask some hard questions and delve into deep topics. I'm feeling very loved and inspired. I feel like something big is about to happen in my life, like I'm on the brink of something amazing. This could be great!

It Stops Today

No I don't want to break when I speak
I don't want to shake while I'm standing
I don't want to crawl into another hole
I don't know what I'm hiding for
No I don't want to fall when I stand
I don't want to have to hold your hand
I just want to be the girl I used to be when I was me and worry free
I know these burnings on my own

But I cant keep on running
No I just cant keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to beat it is by fighting my every fear
I'm not going to make it 'til I turn around and face it alone, I know
I can't just keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
so it stop today

So here I am, I'm taking my first step
Thought I was losing balance but I caught myself
I kind of like the challenge, no I don't need help
I'm going to make it past the very start
Its always been my hardest part

A Place in This World

I don't know what I want,
So don't ask me,
Cause I'm still tryin' to figure it out.
Don't know what's down this road.
I'm just walkin',
Tryin' to see through the rain coming down.
I'm alone, on my own,
And that's all I know.
I'll be strong.
I'll be wrong.
But life goes on.
Oh I'm just a girl tryin' to find a place in this world.

This Time

"Maybe it's the way that the stars are alligned
That's making me feel this way tonight.
Maybe it's the words you left unsaid.
Maybe it's the stardust in my head.
But I wanna tell you,
That my heart is bustin' at the seams.
I can't wait another minute.
Life is short, love is sweet.
Ain't no time like this time baby."

Almost Three Weeks Later

After almost three weeks now, I'm starting to get better. For anyone who doesn't already know this, my fiance Jeff and I broke up...for good. We wanted different things for our lives, apparently, and we were heading in separate directions. I'm okay with the decision, it just hurts. It was the right choice though. The hardest thing is talking about wedding things with my roommate and best friend Bree. She's getting married May 22. We were really excited to go through the wedding process together, now I've dropped out of the race. I'm on the lookout for my next boyfriend. I'm definitely not trying to jump into a new relationship anytime soon, but I like to have a goal in mind for when I am ready. I have a couple people in mind, but there are some definite complications. The good news is I'm not in any rush, so things will work out later. At least that's what I'm hoping.

In the meantime, I've created a ton of different playlists on itunes to help better suit my music needs when I'm in different moods. My favorite is "New Interest." This one is filled with a bunch of songs about a new romantic interest. LOVE :] I'm really diggin' on Carrie Underwood's song "Quitter." It's a good one, look it up. This playlist keeps me hopeful that someone else will come around for me. I mean, I'm sure they will, but right here, in this moment, my mind likes to play tricks on me and gives me some doubt.

I've been filling all my time with different websites, lol. I found this thing called "Stumbleupon.com." I'm embarrassed I haven't heard of it before. Anyways, it's a great way to kill HOURS of your life. But it led me to Epic Roller coaster, Dear Blank, Please Blank, and Incredibox...all good. All these things help to keep the sadness at bay. I definitely still love Jeff and I'm not entirely sure those feelings will ever go away. I have no doubts I'll make it through all this eventually. It's the time span in between then and now that I worry about...

"I'll move on, baby, just like you.
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue,
When a sailing ship don't need her moon.
It'll break my heart but I'll get through,
Someday when I stop loving you.
I bet all I had on a thing called love.
I guess in the end it wasn't enough.
And it's hard to watch you leave right now.
I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow.
Someday when I stop loving you."