The Moment I Knew

I had a major epiphany last night.

I've been wondering where my life is headed and how God can use me. Last week's sermon at church was about how God can use any of us right now just as we are. I kept thinking, "well that's nice but I don't know the first thing about leading someone to Christ. I'm still struggling with my own sin, how can I be good enough to lead someone else?" Then, through some other people, I was led to read the book "Multiply" by Francis Chan. In the introduction to the book, the author challenges the reader to embrace the fact that we'll never be good enough, blameless enough, clean enough to lead others like Jesus did...but that's okay. We can still further the kingdom despite our shortcomings. The author went on to explain how this book lays out exactly how to equip and prepare yourself to make disciples. I thought "this is exactly what I need in order to feel like I can lead others." Then I realized, God led me to this book and spoke through my pastor in those sermons because he wants me, right now, to be making disciples. I also think that was an answer to my prayer about whether it not I should go toEl Salvador. At this point, I think it's pretty clear I should be going. I think that moment last night will be one of those times I look back and say "that was the moment I knew..."

Whenever You Come Around

"The face of an angel
Pretty eyes that shine
I lie awake at night wishing you were mine
I'm standing her holding the biggest heartache in town
Whenever you come around

I get weak in the knees
And I lose my breath
Oh I try to speak but the words won't come
I'm so scared to death
When you smile that smile my world turns upside down
Whenever you come around


I feel so helpless
I feel like just like a kid
What is it about you that makes my keep my feeling hid
I wish I could tell you
But the words can't be found
Whenever you come around"

What I'm Listening To (You Know What This Means)

"I may never fly you to Heaven with a kiss on your lips
And I may never break your heart or to get to make up for it
I may never see the stars in your eyes from a lover's point of view
Or get lost in the days gone by 'cause I'm so wrapped up in you...

If you could love me and only see the possibility that we could be forever
And could you trust me to forget the consequences that would keep us from being together?"



"Well I've been searching for something true
My heart says it must be you
I'd love to fall and see it through
But only if you told me to
Well I'd run through the desert, I'd walk through the rain
Get you into trouble, and take all the blame
I'd paint you a picture, write you a song
And I'd do it all over if I did it all wrong

I don't wanna steal you away
Or make you change the things that you believe
I just wanna drink from the words you say
And be everything you need
Yeah I could be so good at loving you
But only if you told me to

I've seen a lot of good love go to waste
And I don't wanna look back on these days
Knowing all the things you'd never know
If I never said a word and let you go

Maybe this is something I'll never be
But I'll be right here til you tell me..."




"You've been lookin' for love all around the world
Baby, don't you know this country girl's still free?
Why not me?

Why not me on a rainy day?
Why not me to love your cares away?
Why not me?
Why not me when the nights get cold?
Why not me when you're growin' old?
Why not me?"




"The way you move is like a full-on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards
You're the kind of reckless that should send me running
But I kinda know that I won't get far
And you stood there in front of me
Just close enough to touch
Close enough to hope you couldn't
See what I was thinking of

My mind forgets to remind me
You're a bad idea
You touch me once and it's really something
You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be
I'm on my guard for the rest of the world
But with you, I know it's no good
And I could wait patiently
But I really wish you would

Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain
'Cause I see sparks fly
Whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Give me something that'll haunt me
When you're not around
'Cause I see sparks fly
Whenever you smile"




"Maybe its the way that the stars are aligned
That's making me feel this way tonight
Maybe its the words you left unsaid
Maybe its the stardust in my head

But I wanna tell ya, that my heart is bustin' at the seams
Yeah, and I can't wait another minute
Life is short
Love is sweet
Ain't no time like this time, baby

Maybe its the way that the night is still
Or the sound of the rain on my windowsill
That's making all the pieces fit
Making it all make perfect sense"

My Spring

Sometimes I'm really thankful I live in a place that experiences all four seasons. I was walking outside today and felt how warm it was and thought "oh Spring, please don't tease me" haha. It got me thinking about how happy I become when it starts to get warm again and how I'm pretty happy right now in my life. I thought about how far I've come emotionally in the last four months. Then I noticed a parallel between the seasons and the seasons of my life.
As summer came to and end, so did my relationship. I felt drained and dead just like the trees and flowers around me. Everything was lifeless and colorless with no sign of spring in sight, with no sign of healing in sight.
Now here we are mid January and Spring is right around the corner. Although Winter isn't over just yet, days like today remind me that life is coming soon. Healing and restoration come back every year in the form of green grass, lush trees, and warm sun. I'm confident Spring will come in my life soon too starting a brand new season with so many possibilities. My Winter isn't over yet, but my Spring is hinting at it's upcoming arrival. If spring turns the brown grass green and restores the empty trees to their original fullness, imagine how much more Spring can do for me.

Funny teaching story of the day:

During my third period class I gave my students time to work on their study guide for their big test on Wednesday. One of my boys asked to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later another teacher is walking him back to my classroom. Apparently he was texting a girl so they could meet up outside the bathroom to make out. I told him he lost his bathroom privileges for my class and that he was to sit down. Not two minutes later I catch him texting on his phone. I confiscated his phone and put it in my desk. Next period it started vibrating in my drawer. I looked to see who it was and discovered another student sending texts like "Hey Ms. Kennedy" and multiple missed phone calls. I guess this student thought it'd be funny to send these messages to cause a disturbance. Genius he is, he didn't realize his name would come up on the phone. Armed with proof he was texting during school, I promptly looked up his schedule, went to his classroom, and confiscated his phone as well. Silly kids thinking they can outsmart me, hah!

Enough is Enough

What a roller coaster my life is. One day I'm doing pretty well, moving on with my life. Then the next day I get knocked back down and I'm struggling again. Ever since I removed Jeff from my list of friends on Facebook and Foursquare I've done so much better. I just couldn't handle seeing everything he did and knowing where he was all the time. The first time I saw a check-in with a comment about another girl being there my heart sank. That was the final nail in the coffin for me. So I removed him and I was doing really well. I've been talking to other guys and even hanging out with some :] But then this weekend happened...
I went to church on Sunday not prepared for what was about to happen. I walked into the sanctuary late and saw that Jeff was already sitting down...with a new girl next to him. I knew right away that she was his new girlfriend. I started shaking and hyperventilating as I walked to my seat three rows in front of them. A million thoughts ran through my head. "Did they see me? Does she know who I am. Did he tell her about what happened at all?" Unfortunately, I didn't hear a word our pastor said because I was so distracted. As soon as service was over I made a beeline for the door. I didn't want to see them. But wouldn't you know it? Jeff, Brian, and this girl all walked out of their pew right in front of me. (I think it was on purpose, Jeff never goes out that exit) She linked her arm in his and I felt a physical pain go through my chest. I walked quickly ahead of them and jumped in my car so he couldn't see me crying. Needless to say, I will not be going back to that service. I'll be going to the service just before so I don't ever have to see him and her together, or him alone, ever again.
That in and of itself sucked. Then on Christmas Day, I was thumbing through some of my mom's pictures on Facebook. I accidentally found pictures of Jeff and I from last Thanksgiving and, again, I broke down. Honestly, it ruined my evening. I had to text a few friends to help me through. Thank goodness I have such wonderful friends in my life who are willing to encourage me when I'm struggling.
I'm going to a wedding on Saturday and I'm nervous how I'm going to react. I made sure to invite a friend for support, but I still think I'm going to be extremely emotional most of the day, not because I want Jeff but because I want the love I thought we had. I want that love with someone who deserves it, with someone who is worth it, with someone who isn't a coward. I've finally gotten to the point where I can truly see that Jeff isn't worth it because I deserve someone who WANTS to marry me. It shouldn't have been so easy for him to throw our relationship away. The fact he tossed me aside inside of a month after 3 1/2 years proves that his love wasn't real. I deserve someone who is going to stick with me through thick and thin, someone I don't have to convince to stay with me. Until then, God is more than enough for me.

That Was Her, This is Me

Sometimes I'm amazed at the conversations I have with people. I go through my day, chatting with someone, then all of a sudden our conversation turns deep and I'm blown away at what I discover. I think it just reminds me that there is so much more to a person than what we may see on the outside. You never know what pain a person is hiding beneath their smile.

I had a conversation recently with someone I know. He was telling me about his views on relationships and what he's looking for right now. He explained that he doesn't want to pursue women anymore. He's tired of giving everything to someone only for them to try and make him out to be the bad person because of her own insecurities. Because of this, he's afraid to open up to a women for fear of investing in someone who's gonna let him down again. He told me a couple stories about past girlfriends who have mistreated him. I couldn't believe some of the things he said! Liars, cheaters, maipulators...what happened to all the good girls?

This man opening himself up to me made me realize we have a lot in common. Clearly, I haven't had the best luck with men keeping their word either. Unfortunately, I've been lied to, cheated on, abused physically and mentally, and manipulated. Shoot, one guy had me fooled for over 3 1/2 years! After everything I've been through, I'm sometimes concerned about how well I'm going to trust the next man in my life. I worry that I'll be too cautious and put up a wall. But maybe because I'm aware of this possibility, I can be proactive in not building a wall.

After talking with this man, I realized it's going to take time for him to trust me. I'm going to have to take it day by day and slowly build that relationship. I'm not sure what he's looking for as far as proof that I'm worth it. My fear is that I'm gonna have to work my butt off to prove that I'm not like other girls. Then I think "Do I really want to try and PROVE to someone that I'm worth it? Shouldn't he know that on his own?" I'm just really tired of trying to convince someone that he wants to be with me. I've done that most of my life, especially the last 3 1/2 years.

"That was her, this is me.
We are differnt as can be.
She and I are nothing alike,
You're confusing day with night.
That was then, this is now.
You wanna trust me but you don't know how.
I'm never gonna mess around, let ya down.
Can't you see?
That was her, this is me."

New Outfits

I love new outfits. It's kind of become my Sunday ritual that I go out shopping at my favorite store Maurice's. I don't typically buy many things so it's okay that I go once a week :))) today I bought 3 shirts and a vest. I'm stoked to wear them!!

My students

I found out today that my students discovered this blog. You guys are such creepers!! :)) good thing I like you all.

All Too Well

I walked through the door with you
It was cold, but something 'bout it felt like home somehow and I
Left my scarf there at your sister's house
And you still got it in your drawer even now

Oh your sweet disposition
And my wide eyed gaze
We're singing in a car getting lost upstate
The Autumn leaves falling down like pieces in their place
And I can picture it after all these days
And I know it's long gone, and that magic´s not here no more
And it might be okay, but I'm not fine at all

Cause here we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red cause you were looking over me
Wind in my hair I was there I remember it all too well

Photo album on my counter
Your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin size bed
And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the t-ball team
You tell me about your past thinking your future was me

And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to

Cause here we are again in the middle of the night
We're dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs I was there I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
´til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there I remember it all too well

Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all all all too well

Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I´d like to be my old self again
But I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it, cause you remember it all too well yeah

Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair you were there you remember it all
Down the stairs you were there you remember it all
It was rare, I was there I remember it all too well

I Almost Do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long, hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don't,
I almost do, I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don't,
I almost do, I almost do

We made quite a mess, babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess, babe
That in my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don't,
I almost do, I almost do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long, hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

So Much Can Happen in a Year...

It's been over a year since my last post and my life couldn't be more different. I'm no longer getting married, I don't have the same job or the same friends, and I have no clue where my life is heading haha. Although my entire life has been flipped around, I'm kind of excited to see where God is leading me. It's crazy and incredibly hard to not have a plan and to have no clue what's next. What's been cool is to see a trend with God. My prayer has been "God, if it's not right, shut it down." And he has in multiple occassions. It's been helpful that God has been pretty direct. However, I'm such a control freak I have daily anxiety about what to do next. I literally have to take one day at a time and it SUCKS! It's tough because everything I once knew is literally gone. I had a plan, everything was set, I was happy and ready...and in an instant it all fell apart. Most days I'm strong and glad that things worked out like they did. I'm positive God saved me from a life that I would have hated. Clearly I didn't know what I was getting into. Oddly enough, after some conversations with other people, I discovered there were some things I either didn't see or didn't want to see. So how is it I still have days of sadness and regret? Maybe it's not regret. Maybe I don't miss my old life so much as I miss the idea of my old life. I miss the love for sure and it's something I want again, but how do I even go down that road? I feel ruined. So much had happened that was only supossed to happen once in someone's life. How do I explain to someone else that I've already been proposed to? How am I going to explain to someone that I got so close but I'm able to love someone else? At this point, I'm just hoping the Lord leads me into situations where I'll meet someone new. He will. But shoot, this isn't even where my thoughts should be right now. I have a great new job which is keeping me plenty busy. I have new friends who love me. And I have a God who wants a relationship with me more than anything else. His love is enough to satisfy me. Then why am I so focused on Earthly relationships with flawed men? God will always love me. God will never change His mind. God will never leave me because of how He interpreted something I said or did. So how am I not desperate for Him? On another note, I've taken over a 7th/8th grade science class!! My principal asked me to take over a maternity leave for the rest of the semester (I've only been there for two weeks :]] ). There's another maternity leave coming up in the Spring and I'm hoping I get that one too. Hopefully this will lead to a real teaching job, but we'll see.

"I knew you were trouble when you walked in, So shame on me. Blew me to places I've never been, Until you put me down. And the saddest fear, Comes creeping in, that you never loved me, or her, or anyone, or anything..."