So Much Can Happen in a Year...

It's been over a year since my last post and my life couldn't be more different. I'm no longer getting married, I don't have the same job or the same friends, and I have no clue where my life is heading haha. Although my entire life has been flipped around, I'm kind of excited to see where God is leading me. It's crazy and incredibly hard to not have a plan and to have no clue what's next. What's been cool is to see a trend with God. My prayer has been "God, if it's not right, shut it down." And he has in multiple occassions. It's been helpful that God has been pretty direct. However, I'm such a control freak I have daily anxiety about what to do next. I literally have to take one day at a time and it SUCKS! It's tough because everything I once knew is literally gone. I had a plan, everything was set, I was happy and ready...and in an instant it all fell apart. Most days I'm strong and glad that things worked out like they did. I'm positive God saved me from a life that I would have hated. Clearly I didn't know what I was getting into. Oddly enough, after some conversations with other people, I discovered there were some things I either didn't see or didn't want to see. So how is it I still have days of sadness and regret? Maybe it's not regret. Maybe I don't miss my old life so much as I miss the idea of my old life. I miss the love for sure and it's something I want again, but how do I even go down that road? I feel ruined. So much had happened that was only supossed to happen once in someone's life. How do I explain to someone else that I've already been proposed to? How am I going to explain to someone that I got so close but I'm able to love someone else? At this point, I'm just hoping the Lord leads me into situations where I'll meet someone new. He will. But shoot, this isn't even where my thoughts should be right now. I have a great new job which is keeping me plenty busy. I have new friends who love me. And I have a God who wants a relationship with me more than anything else. His love is enough to satisfy me. Then why am I so focused on Earthly relationships with flawed men? God will always love me. God will never change His mind. God will never leave me because of how He interpreted something I said or did. So how am I not desperate for Him? On another note, I've taken over a 7th/8th grade science class!! My principal asked me to take over a maternity leave for the rest of the semester (I've only been there for two weeks :]] ). There's another maternity leave coming up in the Spring and I'm hoping I get that one too. Hopefully this will lead to a real teaching job, but we'll see.

"I knew you were trouble when you walked in, So shame on me. Blew me to places I've never been, Until you put me down. And the saddest fear, Comes creeping in, that you never loved me, or her, or anyone, or anything..."